Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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