man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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