Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
