Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
