So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize