Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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