So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
