No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
