I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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