I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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