He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
