my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
