I CAN MOONWALK!
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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