Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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