Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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