White coat. Heels.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
