maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
