At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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