I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
