I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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