He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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