Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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