I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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