We won't sleep together?
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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