and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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