I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
