I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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