whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
