I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
