If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She's the barista slut.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
