we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
