I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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