Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
