do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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