I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
