Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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