I wanna passion pit in your ass
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Let's get the cat blown out
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
