Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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