Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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