There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
