What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
