Betty ford says i'm here all night
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
