brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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