Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
