NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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