Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
it's great music for shaving your balls
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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