True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
