I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
