its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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