I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
