You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
