i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
