New low: just hacked my moms facebook
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
