That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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