I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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